Sunday, May 30, 2010

Embracing solitude

I've been doing my share of wishing and hoping..... even doing profiles for online dating services a time or two, then quickly deleting them!

Yesterday, somehow, (and I think it's grace at work!) I realized on a gut level that, for now at least, I'm ready to embrace solitude for a while.

Then, yesterday afternoon, I brought myself and a couple of books to the beach. As I was walking along, I noticed a couple taking pictures of one another next to the ocean. I asked if they'd like a picture together. Their faces lit up, and they told me that this was their 30th anniversary, and they didn't have any way to get a picture of them together! It made my heart happy to snap that photo.

Then, I walked away, tears in my eyes, thinking of how what would have been my 30th anniversary had just passed a few months ago.
So, I spent a few moments mourning what could have been, feeling grateful that I can actually FEEL the feelings.

Isolation is what I've practiced in the past......... hiding away in my own little world, eating to numb the pain, afraid to reach out.
Today this feels ENTIRELY different. Somehow, I feel ready to call off the search for "someone to love me", and start loving and nurturing myself. Oh, yes, I'll still reach out to others......... but I'll know that it's OK to be by myself, too.

Being by myself doesn't have to be lonely.


Hope said...

I find that nurturing myself has been a very hard thing to learn. But so worth it.

Jayne said...

Indeed there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I often found that if I sought out another relationship before I worked on me, I was not really ready. I think you are smart to know that being with yourself is the best gift of all. Hugs!