Life is full of uncertainty and change, isn't it?
Right now, my whole life is in flux!
On the inside, I'm finally learning to access anger, which I've refused to even SEE for decades. Instead, that anger turned into depression. Believe me, this is scary stuff for me! At times I feel like a broken piece of pottery, held together by glue....... and the glue is not holding very well! Ah, but I trust in the process.
On the outside, of course, there's the financial crisis in the world, and the financial instability in my home, as I wait one more month to see if my grown son will "get it together" enough to pay his portion of our joint car insurance policy and pay SOMETHING toward household expenses.
Now, my 94 year old stepmother is in the hospital, and will need to spend some time in a physical rehabilitation facility. My father, who hasn't spent a night away from her in over 40 years, is having trouble coping. He told me over the phone (they live a 10-hour drive away from me!) that, when you get to be his age, (88), you want some stability in your life..... and he's not sure from day to day which of my 2 brothers is going to be able to help him out.
I empathized with him, of course, followed quickly by the thought that when I was a little girl, I needed some stability in my life too. Instead, I was in the care of a stepmother who was a rage-aholic, and I never knew when I was going to do the wrong thing and spark that rage! It's no wonder that any trace of anger in myself scares me enough to bury it! I didn't say any of that, of course!
I titled this post "being real, no matter what", didn't I? Well, the reason for that is that I woke up this morning from a dream in which I was spending this ridiculous (for me) amount of money for some kind of fancy fake fingernails. They looked beautiful, but they were so uncomfortable. I was trying to sing, but couldn't do it very well, because I couldn't get my mind off of those ridiculous fake nails! Part of me wanted them off, but part of me loved the way they looked.
What a high price I've paid most of my life for burying my emotions under a fake smile, no matter what. I don't want that any more. I want to be real. I've been "stuffing my face" to try to hold my emotions below the surface for the past few days. That's not working either.
So, here I am writing, and deciding to trust in God to hold me together. He's the potter, I'm the clay. He created me with these emotions, and God doesn't make junk. I know that God can help me acknowledge these emotions, and at the same time live a life in a loving way.