Saturday, October 11, 2008

Being real, no matter what

Life is full of uncertainty and change, isn't it?

Right now, my whole life is in flux!

On the inside, I'm finally learning to access anger, which I've refused to even SEE for decades. Instead, that anger turned into depression. Believe me, this is scary stuff for me! At times I feel like a broken piece of pottery, held together by glue....... and the glue is not holding very well! Ah, but I trust in the process.

On the outside, of course, there's the financial crisis in the world, and the financial instability in my home, as I wait one more month to see if my grown son will "get it together" enough to pay his portion of our joint car insurance policy and pay SOMETHING toward household expenses.

Now, my 94 year old stepmother is in the hospital, and will need to spend some time in a physical rehabilitation facility. My father, who hasn't spent a night away from her in over 40 years, is having trouble coping. He told me over the phone (they live a 10-hour drive away from me!) that, when you get to be his age, (88), you want some stability in your life..... and he's not sure from day to day which of my 2 brothers is going to be able to help him out.

I empathized with him, of course, followed quickly by the thought that when I was a little girl, I needed some stability in my life too. Instead, I was in the care of a stepmother who was a rage-aholic, and I never knew when I was going to do the wrong thing and spark that rage! It's no wonder that any trace of anger in myself scares me enough to bury it! I didn't say any of that, of course!

I titled this post "being real, no matter what", didn't I? Well, the reason for that is that I woke up this morning from a dream in which I was spending this ridiculous (for me) amount of money for some kind of fancy fake fingernails. They looked beautiful, but they were so uncomfortable. I was trying to sing, but couldn't do it very well, because I couldn't get my mind off of those ridiculous fake nails! Part of me wanted them off, but part of me loved the way they looked.

What a high price I've paid most of my life for burying my emotions under a fake smile, no matter what. I don't want that any more. I want to be real. I've been "stuffing my face" to try to hold my emotions below the surface for the past few days. That's not working either.

So, here I am writing, and deciding to trust in God to hold me together. He's the potter, I'm the clay. He created me with these emotions, and God doesn't make junk. I know that God can help me acknowledge these emotions, and at the same time live a life in a loving way.

8 comments:

Jayne said...

Wow Evelyn. So much of what you have written resonates with me as well. Due to drama in my own life in the past month, I also have had to face some hard truths, and one of them is that anger scares me terribly. It makes me feel "less than" and "unsafe" and "unworthy" and that is one of the reasons I've been so pliable to other people's opinions and wishes for most of my life I think. I also used food as my drug of choice and tried to regain some control.

Feeling it all is the only way we grow through it. Simply acknowledging it is a huge step in the right direction, so KUDOS to you dear one! :c) Keep feeling it, keep thinking through it, and you will grow in the process. Growth can be painful, but in the end, living authentically is the greatest reward we can give ourselves.

Love and many hugs to you. You are in my prayers.

Evelyn said...

Thank you Jayne! I'll keep you in my prayers, too.

kristin said...

These are refreshingly honest words you have written, and they have obviously required the prying open of your heart to do so. As Jayne said, just moving THRU these feelings/emotions promotes growth and healing. Yes, there is pain. That's usually a necessary part of the process. But, pain is an incredible teacher (like it or not). Keep on trusting God to hold you, whether you are feeling like you are "held together", or "coming apart". My mom used to have a saying, "Let go and let God". With His help, you will survive - and thrive - as you move thru these painful emotions & memories. It's not the "surface stuff" (ie: fake fingernails) that counts most...it's the contents of your heart and mind that are being nourished by God. And, you are certainly NOT alone in your experiences. I had a painful childhood, one in which my parents divorced when I was 6 1/2, and both of my parents remarried multiple times. My dad was distant (I discovered, yrs later, that he was "unnerved" by a girl child, and didn't know how to be a father to me). And my mother had a long-time drinking problem, and abused me (physically, emotionally, verbally) during those times that she drank to excess. One of my closest friends and I talk about the "holes in our hearts", due to the pain that we lived thru as children. We both believe that it is only thru God's love that we have found the healing response to that suffering. We are all "works in progress"... :)

Thank you for your honesty and openness, concerning such a painful reality. You are so right - God doesn't make junk. You are deserving of His love and mercy, of hope and happiness.

Ruth said...

You have received wise counsel from Jayne and Kristin. I agree, recognizing the source of your emotional distress is a big first step in the direction of healing. God sometimes answers our prayers slowly so he can teach and shape us into that vessel of honour and usefulness.

Evelyn said...

Thank you, Ruth and Kristin, for your caring comments!

Amy Jo said...

i kind of come to believe 'they did the best they knew how'. just a bit. people are not introspective. or alot of people are not. they act. they dont think. they react. they cant help themselves. its not good, but it is what it is. people are weak. so you know better. you wont be like that, like your stepmother, or spineless like dad. but you will be better. like oprah (sorry) says "when you know better, you do better". you just have to not hate them. they deserve it for sure. but you know better.

Annie Wicking said...

I'm sending you a ((hug)) and a strong cup of tea, because I think you need one.

Be strong for yourself and take time out for yourself too. Sometimes we need to think of ourselves before other, otherwise we're of no use to anyone least of all ourselves.

Be at peace and know you are worth it...;-)

Evelyn said...

Thank you ((Annie))!

A soothing cup of tea with a friend is truely a gift!

I'm glad you stopped by! :~)